The hurricane winds, heavy enough to rip trees out of the ground as if by Kalki himself, blow through the night. I’m alone in my room. A cultureless, true-blue American boy, crying and wishing that he could die right then and there. This was my first true awakening, however in the stead of eternal truth, I had formed a blackpill.
It started around a February, when I had decided to try and learn German. Now, I was an edgelord, completely and totally; the next logical thing was to essentially larp as a Nazi. I ultimately considered it a joke; after all, I loved America and Nazis were terrible people who threw babies in fires at the bottom of smoke pits right in front of their mothers and family (That’s from “Night”, which our class had read earlier that year).
So I had started learning German. As a first reading I decided to buy an ebook of Mein Kampf for .99 shekels, but I didn’t read more than the first 40 pages or so before dropping it. Pondering on why I was attracted to German, I thought that, as an American, I really had no culture. I was always told the joke about White people doing nothing and how Blacks were cool and stuff. Now, I had always hated niggers but never spics until that year, and I didn’t even hate dunecoons until my awakening. I latched onto the German culture as I had some of it in my ancestry. My Grandfather identified himself as a German-American and his grandfather could speak the language.
I quickly became attached to the heritage aspect of that side, learning all about German history. I got the urge to pick Mein Kampf up again, and resumed my reading. I had recently moved to the windy location, and was surrounded by people I hated now more than ever.
I had gotten to about halfway through the first volume. I don’t know what really triggered the crying. Maybe it was the weather. But I know that I had realized by now that America had been on the wrong side of the war and that I was going to be a minority. The white and therefore Aryan race would be gone forever.
Blackpilled by myself, I really had nothing to do. Nothing to live for. Compound that with the Dylann Roof incident, and it appeared to me that no damage could be done against these Jews. The song “Voices in the Wind/Stimmen in Wind” was something I listened to almost every day.
School started up again. By now, I had found out Ironmarch and decided to sign up. Immediately in my first thread I was bombarded with questions on all sorts of things, and one of the first replies to my intro was Odin talking about Atomwaffen.
I was surprised, I had never expected this state full of spics and nigs to have Nazis in it; I was hesitant to say the least. I was let in almost instantly, and in a couple of months we met at a shooting range. I was in utter shock, he was not only an actual Nazi but a great guy himself and him being such a happy personality had such a profound experience on me. I could live a happy life in accordance with National Socialism. He showed me the book SIEGE when the group first got it. I had gotten the main point (action, not politics, is the answer) across within the first 80 pages, but it took a couple months to read the rest of it.
This began my kind-of-shitty skinhead phase. Since I was just a happy kid, I also always talked with everyone about Hitler. This is what I thought that I could do as a kid, unless I wanted to pull a Columbine – and I viewed those people as having no purpose in life.
The thing was, I was also beta and caused the look of NatSoc to be weak. The end to this shitty skinhead phase was that I found out I had ancestors from a different side than German actually die fighting for the Confederacy. I felt honored for once in my life. It inspired me to try and live for a true cause, combining National Socialism with the actual culture my ancestor had and become a man. To not be just some kid now, but a real man with a cause and goals to work towards. Combine that with the work of Evola on culture and America and I realized my part in the great work.
Since then I had joined sports, causing my body to develop into a better shape. I have had girls and not hated them with a MGTOW-tier passion, and a job for me to start saving up for total SIEGE. For the past couple of years I have accepted that I will die, but now I know that my life is for the cause of National Socialism. If I die it is spreading the cause of true Fascism, not some sacerdotal version of Skinheadism and Walmart Nazis with Soccer Moms.
To paraphrase, “I live again”.
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